I hope you had a good week. I did and no thanks to Howard Stern. Through the New York Post reported that Stern had a chic restaurant in NYC with a crew of A-listers, including Jimmy Kimmel, Jennifer Aniston, Jon Hamm, Justin Thoreau, Jason Bateman. I was not invited, I guess, because my first name doesn't begin with the letter J. Did you notice that? But it's okay, I had other things to do that evening.
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But imagine a conversation with that crew. So how's your health? Six vaccines, two boosters and an Echinacea enema, and I only got COVID four times. Oh, yeah, I did a triple Vax and an IV booster trip, plus I gave Dr. Fauci a reach around. He was like, come on Jimmy don't worry about your sofa, I'm not a super-spreader.
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But the dinner isn't the story, it's what Howard said later on his radio show, quote, "I really had an exhausting weekend, emotionally, physically... For the first time in two years I ventured out of the house." Now, maybe he's exaggerating, we all do that. In fact, the more successful you get in media, the more exhausting, the easiest things become. This is true, I guess that explains Kilmeade's boundless energy, it's true. Stuff I did 20-years-ago, like hailing a cab or buying my own lunch or shaving my back, I have other people do that now. So again, a big thanks to Trevor Noah for helping me with the little day-to-day stuff. What? Is he your best friend, is he calling you up and saying hello?
No. But that's how Stern can call snacking with celebs at a fancy restaurant, exhausting. Exhausting, like he finished the overnight shift in a coal mine, or hearing Kat talk about her pets. But I get it, life is tough, especially when you've been cut off from the world for two years in a $20 million beach house. I mean, you have no idea how tiring it is walking all the way from the wine cellar to the tennis court and back. Do I sound jealous? Yes, because who wouldn't be? But don't get me wrong, I'm doing just fine. He may have his own private beach, but I got soap on a rope. Comes in handy when you got company.
And like Howard for a spell, I retreated to a cabin in the woods during the lockdowns. Not for long, but I did have to feed those teens in the root cellar. They grow up so fast, right through the ropes. But Stern being holed up in his house that long, it explains a lot of things, like how you forget how other people live, especially in hard times, like a pandemic. For the longest time, two years, in fact, the same time Stern's been AWOL, I wondered where he went? Not physically, but mentally. I bet you did, too. Remember his screeds about COVID, they were epic and angry and not to mention wrong.
HOWARD STERN SEPTEMBER 2021: When are we going to stop putting up with the idiots in this country and just say you now, it's mandatory to get vaccinated? F--- them, f--- their freedom. I want my freedom to live.
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Man this guy makes Anthony Fauci sound like a Canadian trucker. But, you know, maybe you should follow his next vaccine with a shot of Valium. But it's weird, he went from ridiculing the man to becoming him, no longer embracing rebellion, he French kisses regulation. He went from mocking a radio executive who was a rigid by the book A-hole that he named "pig vomit" to being pig vomit himself. He went from Howard Stern to Howard Hughes, and lost his connection to humanity. He went from hanging out with this, to hanging out with this. You know, it's hard to say who's had more plastic surgery.
So Howard went from getting people to fart songs out of their butt, to commiserating with the super wealthy about the evils of Trump, who was a guest on Howard's show many times. But I get it now, he's got new friends, and they bring new views. It's celebrity peer pressure. But the fact that he hasn't left his house in two years means that his views are B.S. He was in a happy, self-imposed lockdown with everything, mansion on the beach, limitless options for food and entertainment. That's not real life, that's a two-year all-inclusive vacation at Sandals, Royal Barbados. Which is impossible for everyone else in lockdown, including especially his listeners. Hell, he was doing his show from home. I'm sure you could work from home too. Well, unless you're a truck driver or a plumber or an electrician, you know, the people who listen to Stern on their way to work, those are the folks who make two-year seclusions possible. It's a point I made early on about the media who tell you how to live because they don't feel the burdens of their own suggestions.
GREG GUTFELD 2021: Lecturing people on the science as we are sitting in our isolated boxes isn't really correct. I mean, what message are we sending by being separate right now? I think it's time to return to the studio and start seeing each other.
God, he's gorgeous. I could sleep with him every night and I do alone. The fact is, Stern had no skin in the game because he left the game entirely. He didn't feel the loneliness, the social suffocation, the alienation, not to mention flying across the country with a cheap diaper on your face. Those elastic waistbands make my face itch. To be honest, though, that's a good strategy on Stern's part. In a pandemic, keep the filthy peasants away from your castle, but not everyone can do it. In fact, nobody can do it except for the King.
