Happy Monday. Happy Monday, everyone. It is Columbus Day, which means it's time for 'Greg's Teen Corner.' Welcome to Teen Corner, where we discuss the hottest topics for today's hottest teens.
Now, you may or not be aware that there is a show on this network that airs at 5 p.m.. And get this, it's called 'The Five'. Pretty clever. How long did it take them to come up with that? It's also got five people. I bet you didn't see that coming.
But Thursday, something was said on that show that, in the words of the media, sparked outrage. You know, I love that phrase, mainly because their definition of sparking outrage is when one media outlet reports on tweets that another media outlet reported on earlier. They gossip like a group of high school girls sitting together in the caf. It's not reporting. It's repurposing. You know, like Geraldo does with five dead caterpillars to make a mustache. You can't even tell, can you? Amazing.
So what was the offending opinion on 'The Five?' Well, let's find out.
[VIDEO]
GREG GUTFELD: College doesn't look like it's fun anymore. I mean, have you seen a lot of how miserable and how miserable looking a lot of the students are? They're deliberately, like uglyfying themselves. You see them on TikTok. They're out of shape, they're asexual. They're like rejecting the truth in beauty. They all look like rejects from a loony bin. I'd steer clear of college, too.
Who the hell does he think he is? I mean, let's be honest. He's no spring chicken. He's not even a spring roll. And him judging the looks of other people? That seems a little ironic. I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10, maybe he's a 9.4. But looking at him, that's maybe twice his body fat. I mean, I guess some people might find him attractive. I don't know. His piercing blue eyes, those rock hard pecs, gorgeous salt and pepper hair. It's no wonder the jealous media pounced.
GREG GUTFELD: HOWARD STERN CALLS SNACKING WITH CELEBS AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, ‘EXHAUSTING'
My favorite headline: ‘Fox News host, 58, under fire for bizarre complaint that college kids aren’t hot enough.' That's The Independent. That's The Independent, a freaking British paper. But it is true. I'm old enough to be their professor, and they're old enough to be my girlfriend.
But I agree what Gutfeld said was callous, especially to these writers, who, let's face it, they're all bowouts. I mean, have you looked at your typical journalist lately? I mean, what a collection of before pictures. They look like something else Fauci made in a lab. On a scale of 1 to 10 journalists would be a nein. In German, that means no, as in 'No, I would never sleep with you.'
But the anger was worse among the British journalists. They're very sensitive, and I don't blame them. You know, their hottest woman over there is Harry Styles. And their teeth are the best part of their faces. I know. I'm glad you agree with me.
But it's not their fault. Ugly people have no protest movement. Well, the teachers union is just a coincidence. It's just terrible. But the plain don't protest. Because how would the chants go? 'Hey, hey, ho, ho! These skin tags have got to go.' But I've always been there by their side. I want you to take a look at this book, 'The Bible of Unspeakable Truths,' written in 2007. It's like 15 years ago. It's now available in paperback. I don't know.
In a landmark chapter titled 'The Ugly Have No Gandhi,' I go into depth on how the most discriminated group of people are not Black or Hispanic, gay or lesbian or trans. It's the homely. It's having a face like Joy Behar. I know. I hope you're applauding her inspiration for everybody. And a body like Joy Behar. See, split up there.
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The fact is the homely get fewer job offers, fewer dates and no thanks to Thomas Edison, they have to deal with lights. There are loads of studies that bear that out. And if I didn't live a really cool life, I would have looked them up. So you're going to have to take my word for it. Someone this good looking doesn't have to lie. But I wasn't always that hot. I had to put work into it. I go to the gym. I watch what I eat. I groom all the problem areas. It takes four men to wax my body hair, three to hold me down and one to videotape.
Still, a dozen articles were written about Gutfeld's comments. Other articles were incomplete because the authors were crying too hard to complete them. Now, besides these writers, no one is actually offended by these comments. They're just reporting on the possibility of offense and all of these pieces noted Gutfeld's age, which is, again, 58, to suggest at that age, this kind of commentary would be creepy. But it backfired. Instead of everyone saying, 'Wow, that old guy is gross.' It was, 'Holy crap, how could that amazing looking guy be 58? That's insane.' I know. Just laugh. Laugh.
Even I saw him and I said, 'Whatever he's doing, sign me up.' But I get it. Because they couldn't argue the point, they blame the hot messenger. That's got to make Gutfeld smile. And what a beautiful smile it is. You could melt the icicles on Brian Stelter's *****. I don't even know if he has them. So if I were Gutfeld, you know what? I'd take a good look in the mirror and enjoy the view. And as for the media, that group of homely copycats will continue to bottom feed off their own dreck. I just hope for our sake, they do it with the lights out.
